Sad Sack’s First Mission: Educational Empowerment

Hello, foolish mortals. Foolish, feeble, weak and angular mortals. This is Sad Sack reporting from mission control (i.e., my couch). Apparently there was some sort of “mission” we super types had to accomplish by yesterday which I did not do. Obviously. I didn’t do it because I am very busy and important and have many demands for my time…and, also, I have no arms. That always tends to drag out the amount of time it takes me to do stuff. Any stuff. Like, for example, just scratching my butt is a major undertaking that rarely ends in any kind of real satisfaction. Sigh. Sigh. SIGH.


Trying to scratch in a puddle of Awkward Sauce

Well, anyway, today I put some effort that-hey, you know what would be awesome and super helpful? Elves. Little, tiny, Keebler-style elves that could just hang around here and like, scratch me when I itch…and maybe wipe the sweat from my flanks on a hot day…that’d be so good, man, I need elves. Elves. ELVES. So, today I put some effort into solving the educational crisis and here’s what I came up with:

LEARN

I was, like, supposed to learn something about the educational something or something. So I made a phone call to my alter ego’s Aunt Jan. Aunt Jan teaches fifth grade at an elementary school in Riverside, California and that totally qualifies her to talk about whatever it is we’re supposed to be talking about. She laid out how the state and nationwide cuts to educational funding have affected her school (and probably every other school in California especially Modesto). Apparently, the government’s made it more difficult for schools to qualify for Title 1 funds. These funds are supposed to level the educational playing field for disadvantaged kids and pay for things like; extra staffing, reading specialists, educational assistants, PE teachers and music programs. Yeah, all that shiznit. In fact, Aunt Jan’s school has dropped the arts altogether. Teachers are told to focus mainly on test scores for language and math. They’re even discouraged from putting student artwork on the walls because it’s considered a waste of time. Class sizes for kindergarten through third grade have also been affected by funding problems. The average size went from 15 or 20 kids to 30 kids per class in a few years. They were able to eliminate many teachers. Unfortunately, the ones remaining have to deal with book shortages and scrounging for desks and chairs. Also, the increased class sizes mean no small group interaction. Aunt Jan admitted that because of these obstacles, some kids will probably fall through the cracks.

ACT

Hmm. Okay, my own self-described super powers are as follows: Evil Eye, Wall of Impenetrable Despair, Really Awkward, Stinkybutt and Tedium. I’m not exactly sure how to channel these towards fixing the educational ills of society. I suppose I could sprinkle some of my Really Awkward sauce (it comes in a sauce format) upon the legislators and make them stew in it until they increase funding and awesomeness ensues. If I got my wish and had Keebler elves at my disposal I could just have them contact the Lucky Charms leprechaun and he could give us a pot of gold. But none of this is realistic. Aunt Jan said what would really help are community volunteers. Senior citizens or other helpful types with loads of spare time who could come in, assist the teachers, and give the kids more one-on-one time (but not in a pervy way). I guess that would be a way to start…I don’t know if I’m actually supposed to do that or not or if this is just hypothetical. If I actually have to do something, let me know, and I’ll go buy a random kid a book…with, like, equations in it.

IMAGINE

Ummmmm…I thought I totally did that, just now with like the awkward sauce and the gold and the helpful seniors and stuff…Hmm. It does sound to me like it all comes down to money. Schools need more money and education shouldn’t be the first cut whenever there’s a budget crisis. Instead of my Awkward Sauce, perhaps communities should pull together and hose the lawmakers down with their own sauce. Put the pressure on them until they have to do our will or be ousted. The resources I need are; people who actually give a crap (and that’s really not my forte). If I could, I would get people interested and impassioned enough to rise up and fight for their children’s education…light a fire under their asses. That will lead to change which will lead to funding for schools which will lead to more teachers, more resources, smaller class sizes and happiness all around.


The fire I'll light under their asses