Sad Sack’s 3rd Mission: Safety and Personal Empowerment

Hello my delicate flowers. My young, wide eyed and shivering little baby birdlets. You who never hesitate to reach out shaking fingers and dial my ham-shaped (and flavored) Sack Phone with the teeniest, the tiniest, the most minute and seemingly insignificant of troubles. But, we’ll address that in a moment. For the time being, I would like to explain the delay in my posts. It’s pretty simple; I’m tired and I’m busy. What, did you think I just sat here and oozed into my couch all day? That’s only partly true. I do actually leave the house on occasion (I exit through the French doors, greasing the sides with butter so I can slide right out). It’s cold season and while I haven’t actually gotten sick, I’ve gotten sympathy sick from all the sneezing, dripping and coughing of the two-legged people around me. It’s exhausting. Ideally, some shady doctor would pump me full of helpful medicine (like Crack and Prozac), to set me straight. Instead, I must sit in front of my computer with a cloud in my head and only a small fraction of my usual sparkling wit and disarming cleverness. It’s not fair to me (nothing ever is) and it’s not fair to you…because you need me apparently.

Don't judge me!!!

And this brings me back to you. You. Oh, you. You tell me now that you’ve got no money (what a surprise, if I had a nickel for all the times you guys have opened with that, I’d have 15 cents, and that’s halfway to a pack of gum) for city services like policemen and fireman and park maintenance, blah, blah, blah, etc…and you need my help.

OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD…WHAT DID I SAY?!? WHAT DID I JUST FREAKING SAY IN THE POST RIGHT BELOW THIS, HUH??? I SAID IF YOU GUYS CAME TO ME AGAIN ANYTIME SOON I WOULD FREAKING LOSE IT!!! WELL YOU CAME AND THIS IS ME FREAKING LOSING IT! AAAAAAAHHHHH! GAAAAAHHHH! UNBELIEVABLE! WHAT CAN I DO? WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO? WHY ME??? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? YOU BASTARDS!!!

Okay, shhh, chillax Sacky Sacky. Shhh. I’ll just figure this thing out and then go bury my head in the sand for a while. Shhh. Okay. Let’s do this.

LEARN

According to the literature, Modesto must eliminate 45 police and firemen to make up for a budget shortfall. The remaining nonunion employees have to take a pay cut. This means that if your house gets burgled, or your car stolen, you’re screwed. Also, if your fence catches fire and the fire department comes and puts it out, you’ll get billed. This is totally a regression. In the old days, before the fire department became a city service, individuals had to pay for them to come. They paid up front and got a little plaque to put on their house so if I fire broke out, the department would put it out. Unfortunately, this didn’t help the neighbors who might not have paid, so every house around them would burn to the ground. Nowadays, we’re paying higher taxes AND being charged for these services, we’re getting taken at both ends. What does the fire department do if you can’t pay the bill? Wreck your credit? You just can’t win for losing.

ACT

I actually like the idea of forming a citizen bike patrol group. I, myself, cannot actually ride a bike (that no-leg thing again), but I can be pulled in a cart by a team of 30 or so fit, bike-riding cadets. From my seat, I’ll pelt suspicious types with the Evil Eye and Awkward Sauce until they harass some other block. We’ll get them all uniforms (not polyester) and whistles and send them out in groups of four or more. We’ll give them incentives like fancy certificates signed by the Chief of Police and the Mayor, prizes for the cadet of the month, and a big annual volunteers’ dinner (one of my other sub-powers that I haven’t yet mentioned, is bribery). We should also encourage people to start forming active Neighborhood Watches. I’m sure everyone probably has the fading watch sticker in their window, but now we should actually meet…and watch.

Good on Spaghetti, too.

I’m not sure how effective establishing a virtual MPD would be, since new hires would only be laid off due to budget cuts. We could perhaps, form a virtual tip-line and also use the format to reach out to youngsters and encourage them away from violence. School programs, art contests, and camps can also be set up to teach the kids about avoiding crime. I believe the children are the future…but we’ve got to teach the well…and, um, let them lead the way.

I don’t like cameras. I just know they’re going to catch me doing something really disgusting and I can’t handle that. It doesn’t even seem that they really work, they say in London, only one crime was solved for every 1,000 surveillance cameras (there were some other facts about helping to solve murders but I found that info confusing and contradictory to the rest of the story).

IMAGINE

I guess I imagine a safer town. A safer town with me, Sad Sack, as benevolent ruler and overlord…just kidding (kind of). The news will have nothing to report except who won the awesome garden contest, or the science fair, or whatever. I will return to my couch and my TV, my Awkward Sauce, without fear of a home-invasion robbery.