Sad Sack's Second Mission: Employment Empowerment

Hello, once again, be-limbed* mortals, ye who slavishly worship the Cult of Sack…not to be confused with cul-de-sac, that’s a totally different thing. Though they’re nice, you know, safe…good if you have kids. I don’t have kids. Not that I want one or anything, you know, a little carbon copy blobule rolling around with my eyes and clever wit. Someone to spend time with and talk to, that’d be…Yeah, it’s for the best; the world probably couldn’t handle that much Sack.

So, anyway, the SackPhone (it’s shaped like a ham) just started buzzing and I get this urgent message that there’s now a freaking employment crisis in Modesto. For freak’s sake, people, didn’t I just save your bony butts from an educational catastrophe last week? I mean, at some point we need to stand back and ask whether having me solve all your problems is actually helping you or hurting you. What would my fellow gelatinous flesh-sack, Dr. Phil, have to say about all this? It might be time for some tough love, folks (as opposed to rough love).

There's nothing dirty about this

Well, in the meantime, I’ll figure out this one problem for you, but you’d better not need my help again anytime soon…because I will seriously lose it. Ok, here we go:

LEARN

The string-pulling powers that be provided some links to Modesto employment fun facts. I’ve read them and have absorbed the pertinent details without feeling the need to endlessly reiterate them all right here. What I’ve discovered is that Modesto is an armpit (I can call it that because I’m from here, however, outsiders better not dis it or I’ll give them strong doses of both the Evil Eye and Stinkybutt). It has nearly twice the national unemployment rate and a buttload of crime. Our biggest claim to fame is George-freaking-Lucas, but he won’t touch this town with a 10-foot pole. We’ve got agriculture, but that doesn’t seem to employ anyone (less than 1,000) and retail and manufacturing. Whoop-de-doo.

ACT

Ugh. Well, I glanced at the helpful links of projects in progress but very little penetrated into my brain. It seems like the groups and projects that have been established were established a while back and we’re really not going to be able to squeeze anymore blood from those stones (is that a real metaphor? I don’t care). While, I like the idea of a High Speed Rail line covering the whole state, these things are always all talk and no action. I figure I’ll be enjoying that thing when I’m in my eighties…and that’s probably not an exaggeration. One thing we could do is prevent businesses like Hershey’s from taking their jobs to other countries. We could boycott them or give them a tax incentive. For my part, I'll give them the Evil Eye which is usually pretty effective. But ultimately, this won't do much. I just don’t think there are any easy answers. Our federal government could go into to Depression-era mode and start hiring people to build a bunch of crap…aren’t all the sidewalks around MJC stamped by the WPA? I hear they eat well on the chain-gang. Hmm, we could wait this thing out…recessions come and go. I could blanket us all in Tedium and we’ll just roll our eyes until it’s over. We could switch to a trade and barter system; I’ll give you three buttons and a wooden nickel in exchange for some goat cheese and a cracker. Or we could move somewhere nice until the money starts flowing again.

IMAGINE

I’m imagining myself in a cool, dark pub with a pint…or is that not what you had in mind? In a few years all will be back to normal. Your marriage might have broken up and your children might be in the system somewhere, but things are balancing out. You may even be able to move out of your parents’ basement. Give it time, it will happen –after all, what goes down, must come up.

Unrelated cat-sidekick Norman pic

*It’s a freaking word now. It means “to have limbs” i.e. arms and legs, unlike yours truly.