OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD…WHAT DID I SAY?!? WHAT DID I JUST FREAKING SAY IN THE POST RIGHT BELOW THIS, HUH??? I SAID IF YOU GUYS CAME TO ME AGAIN ANYTIME SOON I WOULD FREAKING LOSE IT!!! WELL YOU CAME AND THIS IS ME FREAKING LOSING IT! AAAAAAAHHHHH! GAAAAAHHHH! UNBELIEVABLE! WHAT CAN I DO? WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO? WHY ME??? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? YOU BASTARDS!!!
Okay, shhh, chillax Sacky Sacky. Shhh. I’ll just figure this thing out and then go bury my head in the sand for a while. Shhh. Okay. Let’s do this.
According to the literature, Modesto must eliminate 45 police and firemen to make up for a budget shortfall. The remaining nonunion employees have to take a pay cut. This means that if your house gets burgled, or your car stolen, you’re screwed. Also, if your fence catches fire and the fire department comes and puts it out, you’ll get billed. This is totally a regression. In the old days, before the fire department became a city service, individuals had to pay for them to come. They paid up front and got a little plaque to put on their house so if I fire broke out, the department would put it out. Unfortunately, this didn’t help the neighbors who might not have paid, so every house around them would burn to the ground. Nowadays, we’re paying higher taxes AND being charged for these services, we’re getting taken at both ends. What does the fire department do if you can’t pay the bill? Wreck your credit? You just can’t win for losing.
I actually like the idea of forming a citizen bike patrol group. I, myself, cannot actually ride a bike (that no-leg thing again), but I can be pulled in a cart by a team of 30 or so fit, bike-riding cadets. From my seat, I’ll pelt suspicious types with the Evil Eye and Awkward Sauce until they harass some other block. We’ll get them all uniforms (not polyester) and whistles and send them out in groups of four or more. We’ll give them incentives like fancy certificates signed by the Chief of Police and the Mayor, prizes for the cadet of the month, and a big annual volunteers’ dinner (one of my other sub-powers that I haven’t yet mentioned, is bribery). We should also encourage people to start forming active Neighborhood Watches. I’m sure everyone probably has the fading watch sticker in their window, but now we should actually meet…and watch.
I don’t like cameras. I just know they’re going to catch me doing something really disgusting and I can’t handle that. It doesn’t even seem that they really work, they say in London, only one crime was solved for every 1,000 surveillance cameras (there were some other facts about helping to solve murders but I found that info confusing and contradictory to the rest of the story).
I guess I imagine a safer town. A safer town with me, Sad Sack, as benevolent ruler and overlord…just kidding (kind of). The news will have nothing to report except who won the awesome garden contest, or the science fair, or whatever. I will return to my couch and my TV, my Awkward Sauce, without fear of a home-invasion robbery.