Sad Sack’s 6th Mission: Transportation Troubles

Heeey yooooou guuuuys! I was just sitting, Sloth-like, on my couch, oozing into all of the cracks and wondering why anybody would ever feel the need to wander. I mean, as a boneless, skin puddle, I rarely have a hankering for travel outside these four walls. However, as I lounged here today, alternating slasher movies with romantic comedies, I began to wonder if there was anything out there worth seeing…and if so, how would one go about getting there?

LEARN

Well, I looked into it a little wee bit and I was surprised to learn that Modesto’s transportation sitchy (that’s my abbreviation for the word ‘situation’ – the benefits of which are completely negated by this parenthetical interjection) wasn’t as crappy as I was anticipating. Between the MAX and the StaRT bus systems, you can move throughout town (and to Turlock, Oakdale, Merced as well) with relative ease. Oh, sure, you’ll be packed in like a sardine with the odiferous freaks and geeks of the county, but you’ll get from point A to point B.
You could travel outside of Modesto by taking the No. 25 bus to the Amtrak station. You could take the MAX shuttle at Orchard Supply Hardware to the Dublin BART station or the Mall shuttle to the Manteca ACE (Altamont Commuter Express) station. There are also several bus lines that stop near the Greyhound station.
I had a harder time figuring out where the heck the Modesto airport flies to, so I ultimately gave up…and any kind of light rail system seems years in the future.

ACT

Dude. Why act? We’re fine. Modesto has all we need…pizza, ice cream and liquor. Here’s what I’ll do, I’ll douse the masses in Tedium and lower the Wall of Impenetrable despair (I rarely get to use that particular super power for some reason). Everyone will be lulled into a state of – if not contentment, then suspension – and there will be no need to go anywhere. Problem solved!
Seriously, I don’t think the transportation here is too shabby. I think the bike paths are an issue, though. I’d use my usual methods (Stinkybutt, Evil Eye, yadda yadda) to compel the Powers That Be to funnel money into building more scenic paths and increasing the bike lanes around town. Another solution I was quite interested in were the Cluster Balloons – hells to the yeah! I’m gonna fly myself around like the house in the movie Up…when I need to come down, I’ll just slowly start popping the balloons. It’ll be super cool.


Super Cool!

IMAGINE

Five years down the line, everyone’s gonna have jetpacks because it’s the future! Transportation will no longer be an issue…also, folks who can’t afford the jetpacks will still be floating around in Cluster Balloon rigs because, let’s face it, they’ll still be cool. The sky will be filled with bodies!
The bike paths will wind their way throughout the entire city, offering easy and safe access to all corners of town with minimal traffic exposure.


Here's my airmail submission!